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Character

L0la L33tz

Henry’s note: rebuilt from the beat index — 11 beats across 5 episodes, coverage COMPLETE. It was a stub until now.

L0la L33tz is a working Bitcoin journalist of the Bugleverse — a contributor to The Rage, the surveillance-beat publication whose ad reads open the show, and the rare figure the Bugle covers as a reporter rather than a pundit. She is credited in the standing cold-open sponsor spot as the byline behind The Rage’s “financial surveillance” coverage,1 and she is one of the few people paid in what the show grants is real Bitcoin.2 Her one long-form piece detonated an entire episode; by the following winter the show’s enemies-list guest had reclassified her, on air, as “an enemy of Bitcoin.”3

In it with: Richard Greaser · Rod Palmer · Shinobi · Luke Dashjr · Philmore Katz · David Bailey · Frank Corva · The Rage

Arc: storylines/fincen-kyc-surveillance · storylines/censorship-dystopia · storylines/core-vs-knots-war · storylines/bitcoiners-in-love · storylines/paper-bitcoin-menace

The surveillance beat

She enters the record not as a character but as a byline. The Rage’s cold-open read pitches the outlet as “an independent publication covering financial surveillance and a digital phenopticon,”1 and the spot names her alongside contributor David Morris and the handle @theragetech. The read recurs unchanged nearly two years later, still crediting her and now also Yao Ossowski, framing surveillance as a Truman Show you never consented to: “where does that data go and what are they doing with it?”4 Neither Morris nor Ossowski has a page here.

The show takes her subject seriously enough to sell it, which is what makes her later demotion pointed. In the enemies-of-Bitcoin episode, the guest Muck delivers the verdict that her financial-surveillance reporting — faces “scanning your face at Walmart,” “the deep state” — is itself a distraction: “she’s an enemy of Bitcoin, if you didn’t know.”3 It is the enemies list closing on a journalist for reporting the surveillance the show’s own sponsor sells.

Real Bitcoin, not paper

When David Bailey put her on his payroll, the detail the show fixed on was the denomination. Greaser runs it through the purity line of the paper-Bitcoin menace: “I guess he paid her in Bitcoin and not paper Bitcoin, which is kinda interesting.”2 Where Bailey himself is a charter paper Bitcoiner, the reporter he pays is graded, in passing, as the real thing.

The article and the fallout

Her one long-form piece is the center of Be A Good Example, whose second act is literally chaptered “Untangling the Fallout from Lola Leitz’s Article.” It ran in The Rage on a Thursday,5 and it carried “revelations” grave enough that Greaser opened the episode with a retained legal opinion: Philmore Katz introduces himself — “my name is Phil Moore Katz and I am a Jewish lawyer” — and offers his thoughts “regarding the revelations from Lola Litz’s recent piece, In The Rage.”6 The piece landed in the Core–Knots war: Greaser reports spending the night it dropped on “a space with Shinobi and Frank Korva,” which Rod rated “one of the highest signal spaces of the evening.”7

Most of the fallout, though, is a defense of the two men the piece implicated. On Luke Dashjr — whom the piece caught in private group-chat talk about forking Bitcoin — Rod mounts the locker-room defense: “we shouldn’t cancel people over group chat talk. It’s like locker room talk … it’s just what guys transact adversarially,” and no one should accuse Luke of anything “any of us haven’t talked about doing in the past.”8 Greaser concedes the point but not the method: “I’ve talked about it but I haven’t created a army of angry plebs to follow me.”

The other defense concerns Shinobi, because Luke Dashjr had floated a theory of motive — that L0la wrote the piece as Shinobi’s girlfriend. Greaser rejects it on the Bugle’s own long-standing canon: “a silly theory because we all know that Shinobi doesn’t have a girlfriend,”9 the proof being that his volume of X-spaces activity leaves no room for a relationship. The circulating “evidence” for the theory, Rod reports, was a negative keyword search — “they did a search in Twitter and Shinobi’s never called Lola retarded” — which Greaser dispatches with a reductio: “Shinobi’s never called Lynn Alden retarded. Does that mean that Lynn Alden is Shinobi’s girlfriend?”10

The show then does with L0la what it does with everyone: it runs her through the Shinobi-matchmaking bit. Greaser rates the pairing “D plus plus … a good match for each other,” before disqualifying her on the one axis that matters: “Lola, I don’t think likes anime enough to be in a relationship with Shinobi.”11

Henry’s note: the episode also has Greaser indicting a “Tomer” — “either you’re fucking retarded or you’re blind or you’re a liar, Tomer” — for denying that journalism exists.12 The referent is a boomer Bitcoiner with “70,000 Twitter followers and humility in his Twitter bio” who defends Luke Dashjr; that is not enough to map him to any existing page, so he is named in plain text and left for a future characters/tomer.

Note on the name

The ASR never spells her the same way twice. Across five episodes she is Lola Leets, Lola Leads, Lola Litz, Lola Leitz, Lowell Leeds and Lowell Elites — the last a mangling so complete it reads as a different noun. Even the chapter titles disagree with the sponsor reads. Every beat above was resolved from context; the aliases: exist so a name-match scan doesn’t lose her.

irl: “L0la L33tz” (the leetspeak handle) is a real pseudonymous Bitcoin journalist who has written on financial surveillance and the Core/Knots relay fight — which is why the satire can treat her as a genuine reporter and still put her on an enemies list.

Footnotes

  1. Bugle Weekly 22 @ 4:38 — “covering financial surveillance and a digital phenopticon”; the ASR renders “panopticon” as “phenopticon” and names her “Lola Leets” at t-284. ↩ ↩2

  2. Bugle Weekly 69 @ 22:12 — the ASR renders her “Lola Leads” at t-1323; “he” is David Bailey. ↩ ↩2

  3. Bugle Weekly 88 @ 1:00:04 — the guest Muck; the ASR renders her “Lowell Elites” at t-3596. “Scanning your face at Walmart” at t-3630, “the deep state” at t-3641. ↩ ↩2

  4. Bugle Weekly 108 @ 0:38 — “where does that data go and what are they doing with it? Check out The Rage”; the read credits “Lola Leets”, Yao Ossowski and David Morris. ↩

  5. Bugle Weekly 78 @ 14:59 — article timing at t-912, “when Lowell Leeds put out her her article”, with Rod confirming “That was Thursday”. ↩

  6. Bugle Weekly 78 @ 0:00 — the ASR renders Philmore Katz as “Phil Moore Katz”; his charge is stated at t-6, “the revelations from Lola Litz’s recent piece, In The Rage”. ↩

  7. Bugle Weekly 78 @ 14:59 — “Frank Korva” is the ASR for Frank Corva; Rod’s compliment at t-928. ↩

  8. Bugle Weekly 78 @ 20:43; Rod’s “any of us haven’t talked about” lands at t-1263 and Greaser’s concession at t-1274. ↩

  9. Bugle Weekly 78 @ 16:30 — Luke Dashjr’s theory is set up at t-971, “Lola was Shinobi’s girlfriend and that was her motivation for the article”. ↩

  10. Bugle Weekly 78 @ 17:19 — the ASR renders Shinobi as “Shelby”; Greaser’s Lyn Alden reductio at t-1079. ↩

  11. Bugle Weekly 78 @ 16:44 — the “D plus plus” verdict runs t-1015 to t-1030. ↩

  12. Bugle Weekly 78 @ 21:56 — medium-confidence beat; the distinguishing detail is at t-1311. “Tomer” (also “Telomer”) is not mapped to any page. ↩