CryptoCloaks launched the Hashlight, a round intake attachment for Bitcoin ASIC mining machines “designed to enhance your cryptocurrency mining experience from the front.” The product — the first documented byline of Bugle reporter Max Shaft — was covered in prose indistinguishable from the press release.

Creator Rick, described as “a visionary in the world of Bitcoin,” said the inspiration came from a desire to make mining less lonely: “Mining can be a lonely and tedious process, but it doesn’t have to be that way. With the Hashlight, you can add a little excitement to your mining operation and make it more enjoyable.” He insisted throughout that the device is “not just a gimmick, it’s a serious tool for serious miners,” built to alleviate “the stress from long hours in the Bitcoin mine.”

Mechanically, the Hashlight attaches to a miner’s intake and improves airflow, “which in turn, increases the pleasure of your mining operation.” Early adopters testified to its effects: one satisfied customer reported “It’s made my overall terahash rise. I couldn’t be happier with the product.”

Rick closed by pre-empting the obvious: “We’re not trying to be crude or offensive, we’re simply trying to add a little more satisfaction to the world of Bitcoin mining.”

irl: CryptoCloaks is a real company that 3D-prints Bitcoin-themed cases, node enclosures, and merchandise. The Hashlight — a portmanteau of hashrate and Fleshlight — is invented, and the article’s breathless advertorial tone parodies crypto product-launch coverage. This is also the debut of “Max Shaft” as a bugle.news byline, a nom de plume that matches the subject matter.