Richard Greaser reports from Austin, TX, where Judge Wilma Hightower ordered Dan Held to pay reparations to 1,000 separate Twitter individuals he stole tweets from. The jury needed ten minutes to find him guilty. The court-ordered reparations:

• providing each individual named in the lawsuit with a well thought out and creative tweet;
• using Held’s social media expertise to boost engagement of those tweets;
• issuing a public apology outlining how he has harmed individuals;
• unblocking everyone who accused him of stealing content.

Held expressed concern that he lacks the creativity to facilitate the reparations, but assured the judge his social media team would be able to do it for him.

Bitcoin Twitter received the verdict as vindication. “This is a massive win for the Bitcoin Community,” Twitter user @johngaultsshoes posted after the ruling. “We have been taken advantage of over and over by Dan and finally there is some justice.”

This is the founding document of the tweet theft bit and of Held’s canon as the universe’s convicted engagement farmer.

irl: Dan Held is a real Bitcoin marketer long accused (jokingly and otherwise) of reposting other people’s viral tweets without credit, and of liberally blocking accounts. The trial, the judge, and the reparations are fictional. The article’s URL slug preserves the original headline’s spelling, “tweat.”