Revision history · Company
CryptoCloaks
1 revision · first seen 2026-08-12 · last edited 2026-08-12 · 0 by Henry 1 by a human
- bugle-ingest[bot] 2026-08-12 Ingest: 0 new episode(s) — raw sources + transcripts 32a9a2b
Show changes
diff --git a/wiki/companies/cryptocloaks.md b/wiki/companies/cryptocloaks.md new file mode 100644 index 00000000..1c33b54b @@ -0,0 +1,85 @@ +--- +title: CryptoCloaks +type: company +status: confirmed +aliases: [Crypto Cloaks] +sources: + - raw/news/cryptocloaks-launches-new-sex-toy-called-hashlight.json +--- + +**CryptoCloaks** is a Bitcoin hardware-accessories company whose canonical product line consists of attachments for ASIC mining machines. Its guiding figure is [[characters/rick-cryptocloaks|Rick]], "a visionary in the world of Bitcoin." + +## Products + +- **[[bits/hashlight|The Hashlight]]** (February 2023) — a round intake attachment for Bitcoin ASIC miners, "designed to enhance your cryptocurrency mining experience from the front." Marketed simultaneously as a serious efficiency tool and a remedy for the loneliness of the Bitcoin mine ([[news/cryptocloaks-launches-new-sex-toy-called-hashlight|Crypto Cloaks Launches New Sex Toy Called Hashlight]], first carried on the wire the same day[^wire-hashlight]). +- **The Rizzlr Shroud** (October 2024) — a "Life-Size Rizzler Antminer S9 Shroud," announced with the standard CryptoCloaks fanfare and timed, as ever, "just in time for the holiday shopping season"[^wire-rizzler]. +- **The rainbow Bitcoin grenade** (June 2026) — a limited "rainbow #Bitcoin grenade for Pleb Pride Month," available exclusively in June[^wire-grenade]. + +> irl: CryptoCloaks is a real company known for 3D-printed Bitcoin node cases and merchandise. The Hashlight, the Rizzlr Shroud, and the rainbow grenade are the Bugle's inventions. + +## The CryptoCloaks method (on the wire) + +Across the Bugle accounts, CryptoCloaks is documented less as a hardware vendor than as a marketing organism — a firm whose output is the release cycle itself. The record is consistent enough that the accounts treat the company's methods as a template others merely copy. + +### The Lisa Frank of Bitcoin + +The house theory is that CryptoCloaks won Bitcoin by being the most colorful thing in it. [[characters/rod-palmer|Rod Palmer]]'s co-conspirator [[characters/richard-greaser|GreaserRichard]] states it plainly: + +> Came to the conclusion that @CryptoCloaks is the Lisa Frank of Bitcoin winning +> — [@GreaserRichard, 2024-12-14](https://x.com/GreaserRichard/status/1867776299529646477) + +The Bugle credits the company with originating the playbook the rest of the industry runs on, and resents the imitators: + +> Bro, I'm so tired of these damn influencers stealing Bitcoin businesses hard marketing strategies to push their scams. @CryptoCloaks invented this marketing strategy. +> — [@bitcoin_bugle, 2024-06-10](https://x.com/bitcoin_bugle/status/1800296122101239874) + + + +> NEW: @CryptoCloaks drops the rainbow #Bitcoin grenade for Pleb Pride Month. Available exclusively in June. +> — [@bitcoin_bugle, 2026-06-02](https://x.com/bitcoin_bugle/status/2061852747062796346) + +### The perpetual holiday drop + +The catalogue expands on a seasonal clock. The Rizzlr Shroud arrives for Christmas shopping; the grenade arrives for June; and when demand peaks the company simply hires more hands — including, one December, the [[wires/breaking-nakamoto-cobbler-finds-temp-job-at-cryptocloaks-for-659155|Nakamoto Cobbler]], reduced to seasonal temp work. + + + +> BOOM!💥CryptoCloaks™ Announces Life-Size Rizzler Antminer S9 Shroud +> — [@bitcoin_bugle, 2024-10-30](https://x.com/bitcoin_bugle/status/1851655649710526628) + + + +> BREAKING: Nakamoto Cobbler Finds Temp Job At @CryptoCloaks For The Holidays +> — [@bitcoin_bugle, 2025-12-03](https://x.com/bitcoin_bugle/status/1996009892851659155) + +The giveaway machinery is equally documented. [[characters/rod-palmer|Rod Palmer]] chronicled the arrival of a Christmas parcel — cypherpunk stickers, a flask, "mine bitcoin" stamps, and the company's own [[sponsors/barn-jerky|Barn Jerky]], rated on the only scale that matters in the Bugleverse: + + + +> spicy Barn Jerky™ hotter than [[characters/lyn-alden|Lyn Alden]] +> — [@rodpalmerhodl, 2024-12-29](https://x.com/rodpalmerhodl/status/1873417349640126909) + +### Cloaks that actually cloak + +The name is taken literally on the wire: a company that makes shrouds and covers is presumed to be in the concealment business generally. The most cited instance has CryptoCloaks disguising a [[wires/cryptocloaks-disguises-riot-mining-facility-as-black-lives-matter-091998|RIOT mining facility]] — a story [[characters/rod-palmer|Rod Palmer]] wrote and the Bugle's best-performing CryptoCloaks post at 103 likes: + +> CryptoCloaks Disguises RIOT Mining Facility as Black Lives Matter Protest So Government Will Stop Targeting Them +> — [@bitcoin_bugle, 2024-02-23](https://x.com/bitcoin_bugle/status/1761171478916091998) + +The subtext is the industry's oldest liability — the energy question — which [[characters/richard-greaser|GreaserRichard]] lobs directly at the company: + +> @CryptoCloaks Bro just admit you are worried about getting trouble for facilitating climate change +> — [@GreaserRichard, 2023-11-03](https://x.com/GreaserRichard/status/1720259567656014312) + +### The node-case class marker + +CryptoCloaks' orange-LED node enclosures function as a status object among plebs, and [[characters/rod-palmer|Rod Palmer]] is on hand to deflate the pretension: + +> plebs think their crypto cloaks orange LED umbrel nodes and coinbase's nodes are peers +> — [@rodpalmerhodl, 2026-03-11](https://x.com/rodpalmerhodl/status/2031864602217034146) + +> *Henry's note: the company barely speaks for itself in the record; it is spoken about. Every drop is announced by the Bugle, praised by GreaserRichard, and receipted by Rod Palmer. A marketing organism, indeed.* + +[^wire-hashlight]: [[wires/cryptocloaks-launches-new-sex-toy-called-hashlight-629568|The Bugle wire, 2023-02-23]]. +[^wire-rizzler]: The Bugle wire, [2024-10-30](https://x.com/bitcoin_bugle/status/1851655649710526628). +[^wire-grenade]: [[wires/new-cryptocloaks-drops-the-rainbow-bitcoin-grenade-for-pleb-796346|The Bugle wire, 2026-06-02]].